Sunday, December 15, 2013

Teenage boys can't be "just friends" with girls

My children will become teenagers before I know it. This has made me reflect upon what life used to be like as a teenage boy. After sharing my teenage experiences with my wife, I was surprised to learn that she knew very little about what teenage boys have to go through. I think many teenage girls could benefit from knowing how the minds of teenage boys work, and how little maturity they have at this stage in their life. This is what has motivated me to write this letter. Perhaps one day my own daughters will read this when they become teenagers, and I hope it will benefit them.

Dear teenage girl,

When you start to become interested in teenage boys, and when they become interested in you, it is important that you be aware of some important facts about them. I hope this letter will help to protect your fragile heart, emotions, and body from getting hurt or being used. It takes a lot of effort, courage, and perhaps even pain, to go against the hyper-sexualized and immoral secular culture of our time, and so much is at stake. It can mean the difference between a life of joy and a life of misery.

Boys are not capable of being “just friends” with you

When a boy reaches puberty he is no longer capable of being “just friends” with you if he's physically attracted to you. The fact is that adolescent boys are consumed with just one thing on their minds pretty much all the time - sex. Unfortunately, the old saying is true, rather than thinking with their brains, they are only capable of thinking with their genitals. It is sad, but true. Testosterone is a hormone that creates havoc in a male teenager, making his internal sexual drive rage. In the presence of a girl that he is physically attracted to, the only thing on his mind will be the fantasy of feeling her private body parts, kissing, or having sex.

It is only if a teenage boy is not physically attracted to you that he can be "just friends". This may often be the case with so called "tomboy" girls. Keep in mind though, that this situation is not that common because he already has his guy friends to hang out with, and there probably isn't any motivation for him to be your friend. In addition, if he is "just friends" with you, it could be his way of trying to get to know your girlfriend, whom he is attracted to. Sadly, he may be using you to get to her.

Love

Love is a difficult word to comprehend for most adults, let alone a teenage boy. He is simply not capable, at this time in his life, to fully comprehend what it means to love you. Most people in general are conditioned by Hollywood and the leftist liberal media into believing that love must be accompanied with erotism and physical pleasure. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. True love is not eros, it is agape. For a full and complete understanding of agape, it is worth your while (and especially his) to study the essay, Love, by Peter Kreeft.

Don’t let him touch your body or kiss you on the lips until marriage

I really can’t stress enough how important it is to preserve your chastity until marriage. Please try your best to withstand and fend off any advances from teenage boys. I think this video, Romance Without Regret, by Jason Evert and Crystalina Padilla, does a great job at explaining the pitfalls of engaging in sexual activity before marriage. In the video they talk to high school students about dating and relationships.

Even if you think that you are certain he only wants to be “just friends” with you, remember what I said earlier; he is not capable. He’ll do everything he can to convince you that he just wants to be friends, but he is most likely contemplating touching you inappropriately. Even though he may not act on it when you say no, and even if he demonstrates that he is capable of behaving respectfully and decently around you, be aware that his mind is consumed with lustful thoughts.

There really are no exceptions to this. Even church-going teenage boys struggle with this. Every boy who undergoes puberty is subjected to these lustful thoughts. Images of the nude female body and thoughts of having sexual relations are much stronger than feelings of genuine caring and love (agape) for a girl. The temptation of wanting to see or touch the nude female body is probably one of the most difficult things for any teenage boy to have to endure during this period of his life.

Christians know that the Bible teaches us to “go forth and multiply”; however, we are also told to stay chaste until marriage, and then, and only then, should the joy of intimate physical relations be experienced, along with its procreative powers. I know that it is very difficult to wait until marriage, but God's teachings are clear. He wants us to wait! In my opinion, holding hands can lead to hugging, and hugging will eventually lead to kissing, and kissing may lead to much more. It really is a slippery slope, and so the best way to preserve your chastity is to avoid the temptation to hold hands or to hug a boy until you are at a time in your life when you are discerning marriage with a man.

You need to raise the bar, and make him wait until marriage

If you can appreciate how difficult it really is to be a teenage boy, especially with all the Hollywood images, TV commercials, media, and availability of pornography on the Internet, you will be doing him a favour by rejecting his advances of wanting to have a physical relationship with you. Please be on your guard for the oldest trick in the book -- when he says, “I really want to get to know you better”, or if he says “I just wants to be friends”. Pray for him, and pray for yourself that you are able to discern whether or not the teenager may become marriage material after he has grown up to be a man.

Even if he shows patience, and he is on his best behaviour, he is only trying to wear you down in the hopes that you will “give in” and that you might “reward” him later. Don’t fall for it! If he has demonstrated that he really can wait, then he can wait until he’s married to you! The best way to find your future husband is to make him wait. May the best man left standing win your heart!

Dress the right way, and he’ll respect and admire you. Dress the wrong way, and he’ll objectify you.

Unfortunately, teenage boys and young men in general will subconsciously perceive you quite differently depending on how you are dressed. It doesn’t matter what the truth really is about a girl, it’s the image that she projects of herself that will affect him most. You may think that you have to dress provocatively and suggestively in order to get his attention, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, the opposite is the case.

Teenage boys are impressed by the pretty girls who don’t seem like they are trying hard to be noticed. Even though one girl may seem to turn a lot of heads, it doesn’t mean that the boys are actually interested in her. They are simply “looking” as any boy would if he were walking through a convenience store looking at candy. All she is doing is degrading herself, and encouraging boys to objectify her even more. The fact is that boys don’t fall in love with girls who dress scantily. Instead, they lust and fantasize about them. In the mind of a teenage boy, these are the “second class” girls that they really don’t want to bring home to Mom. The first class girls, and the ones that win in the end, are the decent, wholesome, and classy girls that send the signal, “we can talk, but hands off”.

Dress classy!

I truly believe that if you dress modestly with class, cover yourself, and don’t try so hard to draw attention to yourself, then you’ll do well to attract the right young man. A young man who notices you will automatically look up to you, rather than down at you, and he’ll be challenged into thinking that you are completely out of reach. This is a good thing!

When you dress with dignity, it changes everything in his mind, and it brings out the best in him. By projecting the wholesome and modest, girl-next-door look, rather than having him think of you like a piece of candy, he may soon develop genuine feelings of care towards you, i.e. agape, rather than his first thought being to touch you. If you really want him to care about you, then dress the part. When you dress modestly with class, and don’t let him touch you, then you’ll be able to discern whether or not you want to “date” him.

Here are some quotes from the Bible about how to dress:
...also that the women should dress themselves modestly and decently in suitable clothing, not with their hair braided, or with gold, pearls, or expensive clothes, but with good works, as is proper for women who profess reverence for God. (1 Timothy 2: 9-10)

Do not adorn yourselves outwardly by braiding your hair, and by wearing gold ornaments or fine clothing; rather, let your adornment be the inner self with the lasting beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in God’s sight. (1 Peter 3: 3-4)
Courtship is better than "dating"

Please don’t believe in the secular lies that you have to "date" and be intimate with him in order to keep him interested. Once you let him “touch the goods” you’ve already lost him. It’s only when you keep insisting that it will never happen until marriage, will you find a real man who may have the potential of becoming a great husband.

Be proud of being chaste, and withstand the name calling such as being a "prude" because you don't engage in sexual behaviour. A good teenage boy will respect you for it, and this is the kind of boy who has the potential to become a real man one day. Only a real man can truly control himself and respect the wishes of a woman. At least you’ll know that he actually likes YOU as a person and not as an object.

The right way to "date" is to always be in the company of parents as chaperones. Instead of "dating", which implies that you are engaging in physical relations, the better way to get to know him is through courtship. When this is not possible, then at the very least always stay in public places while you are spending time with him. The back seat of cars is definitely a no-no.

Be Counter Cultural

The wisdom that comes from the 2000 year old Catholic Church is extremely valuable. Rather than thinking of it as outdated, you should think of it as being timeless and literally outside of time because the message comes from an eternal place. It is not just a set of rules to tell us how not to behave, but rather it supplies the full wisdom and understanding about what it means to be fully human with all the dignity and joy that goes along with it. Any deviation from this wisdom really does lead to suffering and despair. I hope you can accept the following verses. In this regard, it truly is a matter of life and death…death of the soul.
Finally, brothers and sisters, we ask and urge you in the Lord Jesus that, as you learned from us how you ought to live and to please God (as, in fact, you are doing), you should do so more and more. For you know what instructions we gave you through the Lord Jesus. For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from fornication; that each one of you know how to control your own body in holiness and honor, not with lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God. (1 Thessalonians 4)

Live by the Spirit, I say, and do not gratify the desires of the flesh. For what the flesh desires is opposed to the Spirit, and what the Spirit desires is opposed to the flesh; for these are opposed to each other, to prevent you from doing what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not subject to the law. Now the works of the flesh are obvious: fornication, impurity, licentiousness, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, anger, quarrels, dissensions, factions, envy, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these. I am warning you, as I warned you before: those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Galatians 5: 16-21)
Finally, I don't want to make it sound like I think that all teenage boys are bad. That's not the message I want to leave you with. I just want you to be aware that boys mature much later in life than you do, and they really are in no shape to take care of a young lady or raise a family until they have matured into real men. This means, that they need time to get through the hormonal changes going on inside them, and they need to have learned how to respect the dignity of women as persons, rather than thinking of them as objects of sexual pleasure. It takes some men longer than others to achieve this, and sadly, some men never do.


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5 comments:

  1. Very good, as usual.
    Note that teenage issues are exacerbated by lack of moral teaching and example. In a more Christian world, things would not be as bad.
    Some kids, like yours, would be more mature, but a girl cannot assume anything these days.
    Bruno

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  2. You make it sound as if ALL teenage boys have raging hormones and cannot control themselves. I had many girl friends as a teenager but no girlfriends. Dated one person and married her in my late 20s. We spent 13 years together before we separated. But we are still married and still do things together. Even as I approach 60, I still have many female friends and we sometimes get together socially, but I have never kissed them, touched them inappropriately or have had sex with anyone of them. I have too much respect for them and my wife (even though we haven't lived together for the last 20 years). My son, in college now, has girl friends and a girlfriend, but he also respects them and will not be inappropriate with them. That was how he was raised. To respect others. So, please don't lump all teenage boys together. They are not ALL alike.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for responding and providing your comments. You are one of the good men out there. I have to point out though that you were a teenager in the 60s around about when the sexual revolution occurred. You are fortunate in that you were a teen prior to the Internet and prior to the online pornography industry (arguably the largest industry on the Internet). In addition to the biological hormonal affects of testosterone in a teenager, the culture today is drastically different than when you were a teen. Today, the psychology of boys and young men has drastically changed. It's a pornographic video gaming culture where boys remain manboys and don't grow up until they are well into their 30s if they ever do at all. In my post I said:

      ...be aware that his mind is consumed with lustful thoughts. There really are no exceptions to this.

      I still maintain that ALL teenage boys are affected and impacted with lustful sexual images in their minds, and that this clouds their ability to have a proper disposition towards girls. Of course NOT ALL boys act on their lustful thoughts, I never said they did, but I do think that a majority of teenage boys today struggle greatly with addiction to online porn, and that our hypersexualized culture makes it virtually impossible for a teenage boy to be free of lustful thoughts. They are not, in my opinion, mature or worthy enough for anyone's daughter at this stage in their lives. Unfortunately, the objectification of women is a serious problem today.

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  3. just thought i should mention not all guys think of only sex. Quite insulting and also, woman can be quite slutty. I also recommend teaching timothy to your daughters, maybe they can learn a lot from it.1 timothy 2:12. Just a little something to think about when you use the bible as your reason for your letter. Finally, just because a woman wants to dress in some nice pearls or something of the such does not make her less of a prospect than a woman who is plain. In fact, most people would look at the plain person and think of her as shy and less accustomed to fashion and social skills. You do not become a great prospect when you don't dress appropriately and make yourself beautiful. You seem more inclined to laziness and more clueless.

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  4. Other sources seem to agree that a teenage boys mind may essentially be consumed with sex (quote below).

    "Testosterone contributes to behavioral changes in teenagers. Testosterone contributes to a boy's sex drive by enhancing arousal and sexual response mechanisms. According to an article in the Sunday Times, a teenage boy's mind may become essentially consumed by sex. Teenage testosterone may reduce a boy's communication and interest in socializing. For example, a boy who was talkative prior to puberty may become monosyllabic."

    Source: http://www.livestrong.com/article/236521-testosterone-levels-in-teenagers/

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